(The camera shows an audience who are less than thrilled to be here because they've been jibbed of their money to here about the May 6 Pay-Per-View and see three matches only. A few signs read "Can someone check if my iron's on?", "White Ford, number plate DGW-309, your headlights are on!" and "Mighty Ice Cream Guy: Don't forget to pick the bees out of the peanut butter and vegemite ice creams!" Camera zooms on the Doc, DJ Seedy and Jean-Pierre.)
Hello and welcome to the Doc's Defiant Degenerates number two, we have a terrific card lnied up for you this evening, this is our May 6 Pay-Per-View preparation card, so hang on to your hats, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.
I'm joinin' da Doc tonigh' coz he ain't got no company, his two co-workers are busy trainin' fo' da PPV.
That's right, so once again we welcome Jean-Pierre to the table, hello Jean.
Allo, Monsieur Xavier and Monsieur Seedy, it is once again zee pleasure of myself to join you.
Well first up Sheesh Kebab takes the ring to tell you what's going on at the PPV between him and Speedy.
(Sheesh comes down to the ring with a microphone, some guy jumps over the barrier and pushes him over, everyone laughs, so he pushes Sheesh over again before security tell him to stop.)
Now hear dis, Sheesh Kebab is not one Indian man to mess with. Dis silly man called "Speedy" Tom Aardvark will soon be clearing his things, because when I'm done, you'll wish you'd have just eaten one of my mamas curries instead!
Is dis in reference ta May 6?
I sink so!
Do you mind?
I do not care if zat is what you are asking?
Never mind, now, Speedy, here's the bottom dollar, you cannot and will not defeat me at May 6, do you hear Sheesh? Who cares if you do not, Sheesh will be the only one to be with Doc, so pack up now you bad man!
If all the name calling in this fed were as bad as that we'd have a lot of unhappy wrestlers.
Zoot alors, zat would 'urt my feelings!
We now take a look at the finalised card for May 6 shall we?
Dammit, what yo' waitin' fo'?
First match will be between the Man against bLaCk KnIgHt and also against Big Pimp Daddy.
Do we give our thoughts on zee matches?
Sure, why not?
Coz if we give da right answer day all fink dat it's rigged!
Zis is wrestling!
Oh yeah!
The second match is a first blood between President Kowalski and Vlad the Impaler.
Jus' keep dat freak away from me an' we be sweet Doc!
The next match is between Abe and Sitcom Sam for Sam's contending position.
Abe has been really given da worst chances here in da FCoGW, he missed his first chance an' hasn't had anotha!
At least he 'as 'ad a chance!
Yeah, but yo' are a jobber!
The match after that is the Bullseye Kid defending his title against Alex Wood.
Why ain't dat da main event?
Sssssh! The next two matches are Back Stabber vs. Jobber Wayne, and West Islanders against Team Money Bags and the Jobbin' Duo.
A t'ree way tag match, dat ain't main event either?
Shut the fu.... And the main event is a handicap match for the Astute Warrior belt, with the Mighty Ice Cream Guy and Icy the Ice Cream Cone against Munchy Man.
Zat is not fair, zay both can beat up Munchy Man and zen zee Ice Cream Guy can win zee belt.
You're point?
Oh.
Should we go ta a match now?
Let's.
This is set for one fall. Weighing in at 298 pounds, from Las Vegas, accompanied by his merchandise, Big Pimp Daddy! (Some slutty disco music plays as Big Pimp Daddy wanders out just past the doors. He fondles himself and the crowd go mad.)
And his opponent from Jefferson City, weighing in at 296 pounds, Munchy Man! ("Personality" as Munchy walks down the runway, he sees the whores close to pretty faces and goes mental.)
Munchy Man attacks the Pimp before the bell with a dropkick to the sternum.
DING! DING!
Da Big Pimp Daddy goes down but he gets back up again ta be hit wit' a kick ta da head!
My my, zat must 'ave 'urt because he looking rather how you say..... stoned?
As if a wrestler would turn up stoned to a match, maybe bK, but not Big Pimp Daddy, who is put into a headlock and dragged to the mat.
Munchy Man refusing to let go of zee Pimp man's 'ead.
He stands himself and Big Pimp Daddy up, there's a DDT by Munchy Man. Pimp Daddy ain't lookin' so big now!
Ain't he wearin' any shorts either?
I was talking about his strength, what were you talking about?
I ain't even goin' dere!
Zee rage of Munchy Man iz frantic, az he picks up BPD for a sidewalk slam!
Munchy Man really taking it to Pimp Daddy now, thrust kick to the groin. And the Pimp is angry. He holds out a hand and a whore brings out da mike.
Big Pimp Daddy: You have just made yourself an enemy here Munchy Man, nobody, and the Daddy means nobody messes with the King's crown, and that goes for you bitches too!
Munchy Man: Shut the f@#k up and wrestle!
BPD: Oh, you ain't even gonna set one pinky on the Big Pimp Daddy, coz the Daddy's gonna have your pint-sixed ass for breakfast!
BPD giving back the mike but Munchy Man hits him with a forearm smash and hooks the leg, 1...2...3! There's our winner.
Here's your winner, Munchy Man!
And BPD is so dazed he cannot see Munchy Man come, BPD is whipped into the corner.
I can see wha's gonna happen here!
Zere iz zat little finger wiggle we all know so well eh Doc?
Shut up, Munchy Man links BPD's legs on the ropes and gets a run-up. And there's the Munch! A diving headbutt to the "King's Crown!"
Dat gotta hurt, I can feel dat from here, but we now have a message from Hawaii Five-O!
It's Roleplay time folks!
(Camera pans in on Abe, he's standing in a television store with Harry and Harvey.)
Abe: Now lookee here, Saaaaaam! You got your damn butt up against Abe, the U.S. Destroyer, and you asked for the match yourself. Well, Abe don't never turn down an offer he can't refuse, and it's gonna get personal.
Harvey: How's it gonna get personal Abe?
Harry: Yeah Abe?
Abe: Remember the plan?
(They both nod.)
Abe: Now, shall we get started or what? Dammit, that crappy Bold & the Beautiful, bye bye!
(He grabs the T.V. and headbutts the screen which shatters and cuts his forehead. It bleeds.)
Abe: I feel......dizzzzzzzy Haaarvey!
Harvey: Duh, you don't look so good!
Harry: Not at all, you wanna doctor?
Abe: I got me a doctor, missa Xaviiiiiier! Weeeeeee!
Harry: Hey Harv, what's the number for 911?
Harvey: Ring the operator and find out!
Harry: Oh yeah, and after May 6, we will be having a crack at those Tag Cconquerors belts whether the Haughty Troupe like it or not.
Harvey: Yeah, what are we doing here again?
Harry: Wasn't I dialing for a pizza?
Harvey: Oh goody, get a pineapple pizza!
(The camera fades as they step over Abe's body and leave store for pizza shop.)
It's Roleplay time!
Dat sure was interestin', whaddaya say?
Oui, quite interesting indeed.
So, you guys looking forward to the PPV after May 6? Queen's Birthday PPV?
Why da hell are we celebratin' da Queen's birthday?
Does it really matter why we 'ave a PPV?
Any excuse yeah bro?
Whatever, we just wanna say that you have to have your challenges in by May 4 or any changes to the line-up in by then too!
We got us anotha match doc?
Um, sure, why the heck not?
Who will be wrestling?
Um, you can wrestle the Man!
Moi?
Sure, get out there now!
Um, one-fall, let me check my things and his opponent from New York, with Miss D-Vine, the Man! ("Keep on Searching" by the Brady Kids plays as the Man walks out angrily because it's not his music.)
DING! DING!
They lock-up and the Man breaks out to hit Jean-Pierre with a roundhouse right.
Man, dat was a good move, Jean-Pierre gets up an' runs at da Man, but he links dere arms togetha an' he slams him down onta da mat!
That's a nice execution there, but we here that disco music again. Here's the Big Pimp Daddy, he's roaming around ringside.
Wha's goin' on here?
Probably nothing but a bit of trash talking for the May 6 Pay-Per-View.
Big Pimp Daddy: Now listen here Boy, I got something to say to you.
The Man: It's gonna have to wait, got it?
BPD: Don't you come that tone of voice with me young man, respect me, you'll have to anyway, coz come May 6, you'll have been eliminated after the....
Da Man ignores BPD, an' hooks the leg fo' da legsweep faceslam. BPD ain't happy 'bout being ignored.
Not one little bit, he enters the ring. Both Jean-Pierre and the Man grab one of Big Pimp Daddy's arms and whip him into the ropes. He extends his two arms for a double-clothesline, but they both duck!
Da Man hits BPD wit' a high cross-body an' dan he whips him inta da corner. He charges in but is met wit' a boot off of BPD.
Jean-Pierre just watching runs in with the shoulder-block and both men hit the mat hard after knocking heads.
Da member o' da Elite Jobbers is takin' advantage o' da disabled Man, an' he slips him inta a leg-bar submission, da Man taps out.
Well there you have it folks, the strength of Jean-Pierre.
Da luck don't yo' mean Doc?
Whatever, and that's all we have time for tonight because we've used most of budget on the May 6 Pay-Per-View and can't afford anymore T.V. coverage than what we've used now. I'm Doc Zeus Xavier with DJ Seedy and Jean-Pierre, signing out!
The Facical Confederacy of Gimmick Wrestlers
This is a presentation of the Faciacl Confedracy of Gimmick Wrestlers, Copyright 1999. http://fly.to/the_fcogw is our URL!